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Dear Louis,
I'm a straight guy trying to find a place in NYC. I've been
staying with a straight co-worker since I lost my last apartment
(rent hike). His place is micro-sized, all my stuff is in
storage and things are getting tense with my buddy and me
living and working in such close quarters. My question is
this, should I move in with a gay guy? I've never really known
any gay guys, and this one seems alright. He also works with
us, but in a different department. I've heard they try to
recruit people and stuff and I've made it clear that I'm 100%
straight. He said he's ok with that and his roommate is moving
out at the end of the month, what should I do?
~Signed, Homeless in NY
Dear Homeless in NY,
You haven't really given me enough information to help you.
Are you straight, not narrow? if so, you might get on better
with a Queer. If you're a little more conservative, then you'll
prefer assimilationist banality or shallow stereotypes, and
you'd get on better with a gay guy. My point is, there are
a million ways to be in the world, so keep an open mind and
give it a try. Usually gay people will try to recruit you
for their volleyball team, but you can stand your ground if
you don't want to play with them. You should be aware of these
built-in advantages to sharing an apartment with a gay guy:
1. You'll have a roommate who won't fuck your girlfriend.
2. He can offer you fashion advance.
3. He won't fuck your sister when she visits.
4. He will know where to get a great haircut.
5. He will know tons of hot straight/bi chicks that you can
fuck.
6. He will know where to find the best underground parties.
7. He can get you Ecstasy (as well as spandex and poppers)
at wholesale rates.
8. And did I mention that you'll have a roommate who won't
fuck your girlfriend?
9) Straight chicks will think you're all sensitive and will
want to fuck your brains out and stuff for having a gay roommate.
10) And finally, if you can't make rent, your roommate might
settle for a blow job.
Good Luck.
Love, Louis
Dear Louis,
I have just moved to San Francisco, the true mecca for queers,
and am enjoying living in a free atmosphere. I read all of
the gay publications I find.
What amazes me, as I read the personals, is the number of
men who describe themselves as "Straight-Acting."
I often wonder what they mean by that. Does it mean that they
only "fag it up" in the Castro (gay holy ground)
while back at the office they talk about their girlfriends?
Or does "straight-acting" describe some sort of
perverse sexual acts they commit with their same sex partners?
I've asked my straight friends this question and they don't
know either. They tell me they act the way they are and do
not pretend to be anything else. So Louis, I turn to you for
the answer. Please help if you can.
--Bewildered by the Bay
Dear Bewildered,
You can still call me Louis, but I'm going to be frank here,
anyone who describes himself as "straight-acting"
is delusional and homophobic. You should avoid them at all
costs! They lead sad, pathetic lives chasing after an ideal
that doesn't exist. Their world-view is built around the erroneous
supposition that if you can't be straight, then you should
act like you are and maybe people won't notice.
If you like the manly-man type, you need to go for guys that
define themselves as masculine instead. If you do, you'll
be able to build a rich and rewarding relationship with an
honest, emotionally available guy instead of a self-hating
homophobic, actor.
Good Luck
Love, Louis
Dear Louis,
I think I'm a geekslut. I fantazie about guys in glasses all
the time. I know they say size doesn't matter, but IQ size
DOES matter to me! I don't hang around engineering bars and
comp-sci classes hoping to score my next trick, but I love
dating guys that are smarter than me. My problem is the hook-up.
Where do I meet sexy intelligent men without having to dumb
down?
~Dateless
Dear Dateless,
Just get over yourself! There are wonderful guys out there
all
around you... maybe you're the one that needs glasses!
Good Luck
Love, Louis
Dear Louis,
You have got to give me some advice, I am a 22 year old computer
analyst from England. I was recently given a blow up sex doll
as a joke by some co-workers. I brought it home and one evening
while I was feeling a little aroused after watching a bugs
bunny marathon (that girl bunny is so raunchy Louis, wow)
I decided to blow it up, ya know just for a look. Well, one
thing lead to another and all of a sudden she seduced me!
We had a fabulous night of unbridled passion. I named her
Alexis after that night. I have fallen hopelessly in love
with her. We go out all the time but for some reason, we are
not taken seriously as a couple very much in love. like yesterday
for instance, we were attacked by a group of adolescent hecklers
who taunted Alexis. They said cruel things about her vacant
glare, I tried to explain to them that she had things on her
mind but nothing seemed to make them understand. I finally
had to beat them off with Alexis's handbag. It was terrible
Louis, TERRIBLE! I am thinking of asking Alexis to marry me.
but her hands have no fingers (they're a one piece type thing)
and where should I place the ring? Also, what can I do to
be socially accepted as a young couple in love?
~Yours Blissfully,
Rubber Love
Dear Rubber Love,
I say give her a bracelet instead of a ring. Girls love that
sort of thing, and you won't have to worry about the fit problem!
As far as being socially accepted, the obvious thing for you
to do, (and I can't believe you haven't thought of this...)
Is to go to a kinky supply store and get some of that paint-on
latex or put together a super cute rubber outfit. Just remember
to wear lots of baby powder or corn silk powder as you'll
sweat A LOT in your rubber duds. While you're all dressed
up, no one would question such an obviously 'made for each
other' couple such as yourselves. And no need to thank me,
this is what I do.
Love, Louis
Dear Louis,
My girlfriend keeps asking me if I'd like to watch her have
sex with a man. This really repulses me, and makes me wonder
if she's going crazy, but I love her and don't want to loose
her. What should I tell her?
-- Pure Lez in Boise
Dear Pure Lez,
First of all, honey child, YOU repulse Me, you separatist
Nazi Bitch. The only thing you should tell her is goodbye,
'cause she's WAY too good for you. If she's bi, then she should
be able to explore that without you geting your repressed
ass in the way. Sex is Sex and Sex is Fun, just keep it safe
and no one gets hurt.
Good Luck
Love, Louis
Dear Louis,
I'm straight and my friend is lesbian. She is always trying
to make sexual advances towards me. She tries to caress my
breasts and touch my inner thighs. I do not like it when she
does these things..... But she knows that I'm straight. But
I want to know is How can I get her to stop?
-- Straight Sue
Dear "Straight" Sue,
The only way to get her to stop is to give in to a night of
hard-core, pussy-licking, clit-tingling passion!!!! That's
right!! Homosexuals often have unpleasant sexual experiences
with people of the opposite sex. Now it's your turn, breeder!
All you need to change your evil ways is one night with a
real woman. So experiment a little. Loosen up and get wet...
then admit it was the best experience of your shallow, pathetic and non-existent
life.
Love, Louis
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